Cycling Commentary! Now with tan lines

In last week’s edition, I talked about zebras (or zebrahs, for my “hip” readers). But because I’ve been talking about them so much, whenever I mention them now it’s akin to beating a dead horse, rather, a black and white striped horse. So we move on.

The facet of cycling that cyclists obsess the most over is the art of “looking pro.” There are many ways to try and look pro: wear stupid hats, buy ridiculously expensive bikes, slam the stems of those bikes, sit on the top tube with the proper knee angle before the start of races, put glasses in the holes of the helmet during climbs, the list goes on and on. But for me, there is only one defining factor of looking pro, and this is perfectly sculpted tan lines.

There is the obvious thigh tan line:

And the obvious arm tan line:

But where “looking pro” goes to a whole new level is when you get to other body parts. For example, the hand:

Note the tanned upper section of the thumb

Of course, other key tan lines include above the ankle, and some (including myself) can even get the elusive helmet strap tan line:

My point is, looking pro cannot be something you buy, or something you can do in one act. Looking pro has to come from hours of dedication on the road, ensuring that your bibs, jersey, gloves and socks stay at the same place relative to your tan lines. This attention to detail is the essence to cycling in general, you must be methodological and precise in everything you do to “be pro.”

Being pro also involves “epic” crashes, and Frank brought the University of Delaware to Collegiate Cycling news for the second week in a row through a crash of “epic” proportions:

"If you go off into the rocks, you're gonna have a bad time."

But fortunately he came out relatively unscathed, albeit with a damaged ego.

In summation, to look pro you need to cultivate sharp tan lines across your whole body and when you crash, it must look epic. With this knowledge, you may now go out into the world of cycling reinvigorated and motivated to do what you need to do to look pro.